Terry’s Favorite Gizmos by @bpterry from @bpglobalpr
hello. im terry from the bp public relations team. as you all know there has been an oil spill in the gulf of mexico that some people are saying it is bp’s fault. we at @bpglobalpr have been real busy convincing the public that bp has been busy working to fix the problem. its been a very stressful time. we had to call in hundreds of people to pretend to work last friday, weve been keeping the press away from the real terrible places in the gulf and we have been trying to send t-shirts out to everyone so they’re not mad at us anymore. on top of all this i sat down for 3 days and wrote this article for gizmodo.com and they said it “wasnt relevent at all” or something. anyways, i worked very hard on it, so here it is. my favorite gizmos:
1. Garage door opener – open sesame and the garage! this handy tool has really saved me some grief. i used to have to open and close the garage with my strength which was normally a great way to exercise and inpress girls. one day i was lifting the damn garage and my cat milton knocked over a shovel or something. i dropped the damn garage door on my head and woke up late for work. this is how i came up with the name for “top kill” though.
2. Electric cat collar – meow, meow, OWWWWW! i know, i know, most of the time these are for dogs but i just punched a couple more notches in the collar and i put it on my cat milton. milton is a great cat, dont get me wrong, but i dont need the guy comin into the bedroom during Terry time (sex, etc.). i put this collar on him whenever i want him to leave me alone in my room. he can get his food and use his litterbox when terry time is over.
3. Headphones – i’m sorry, i can’t hear you! my headphones are my favorite gadget probably. i wear them all the time at work. public relations isn’t about actually doing work, it’s about appearing like your doing work. i sit at my desk and make faces like im onto something while muttering things like “oil” and “this is going to work great.” meanwhile, im listening to tunes (nickleback, u2, etc.) or im watching criss angel mindfreak. a lot of people think this sounds stupid but i actually believe in magic and im not ashamed of that. how do you think i got my job? its cause my family is powerful and magic.
4. Microwave – dinners up thanks to the microwave! from popcorn to fine cuisines it will heat anything. i dont cook with anything else. i have a joke where i call the microwave my wife and get into arguments with it about me coming home late and stuff. haha. i wish i was married and i want to have a girlfriend. life isnt all about terry time (but it kinda is)
5. Blackberry – hello? anybody home? yes it’s me terry and i have a blackberry cell phone! i can get emails, texts and phone calls form my coworkers telling me to do things. most of the dares i do come through this. a lot of people don’t know this, but a classic prank i do is i eat pie charts. last week, some stupid scientists came into show us about booming or something. i ate their pie chart and yelled “more please!” the guys love this one cause it always ends meetings very abruply.
Terry’s least favorite gizmo
1. The god damn t-shirt machine – i hate you t-shirt machine!!!! i turned this machine on almost two weeks ago and i have not been able to shut it off. it has been recklessly spilling t-shirts all over the grab-ass room for weeks. everyone is mad at me cause grab-ass has to happen in the xbox room now. anyways, people were mad at bp so i started making shirts so theyd shut up. we sell em right here at www.streetgiant.bigcartel.com and give all the money to www.healthygulf.org (ugh). i already gave them $10,000 this week. BS, huh?